You killed my caaaaaaat!!!

(Week 11 day 6)
  I love my wife so much. Anybody who really knows me and her will tell you without pause that this is true. I bend over backwards when it comes to caring for her and treating her with respect, love and just plain old spoiling her. And this is not out of any feeling of obligation or anything like that. It's just because I really enjoy making her happy, putting a smile on her face, or just giving her something she needs.
  In case you haven't read my blog already, you know I like to preface things. Well that first paragraph was a preface in an attempt to butter Tanisha up for my next few paragraphs. Because while I love her so much, right now she is TRYING ME! I'm not the kind of person to walk around on pins and needles because of a couple reasons. First and foremost, I'm usually pretty oblivious to subtleties so unless I absolutely know something is going on I'm like a rhino in a glass store. Second because a long time ago I learned that the worst thing you can do to yourself is live based on the people around you. That's not to say you shouldn't be considerate. I'm a huge fan of being considerate to others. I just don't think your life should change because theirs is. However, all of that goes out the window when we're talking about a wife gaining weight, pregnancy hormones, and the attitude from hell! Ok maybe it's not THAT bad, but again I like dramatic effect. So I'll just tell one quick story. We were in our room and I forgot to do something (what it was escapes me right now). Tanisha asked if I did whatever it was, and I said I didn't. She got a little upset and I said, "I'm sorry, I just forgot." Her response? "Oh like you forget not to slam my damn car doors?!" Yeah see she has this thing about slamming the doors on her car. The funny thing is I don't ever slam them, but I don't guide them closed so it's harder than she closes them. For whatever reason this sets her over the edge. I try not to do it, but what she feels is slamming the door and what I feel is slamming the door are two completely different things. I love how she not only takes the time to fuss at me, but sticks in another one just for good measure. "While we're here at anger central, let me make the most of my time. No need to waste a perfectly good attitude on only ONE issue when we can bring up several!"

  Have I talked about how much I like talking to my baby? I love it. Now we've added a new twist to it. Tanisha has been doing a lot of reading and one thing she read that we like is to play music for Baby Cohen, specifically Mozart. It is amazing how relaxing it is to lay in the bed playing Mozart while I think about my child listening to it and somewhere in the deep recesses of their mind (or probably not so deep since the brain is about as big as a pea right now) this music has a peaceful and calming effect. I'm still excited, although in the deep recesses of my mind (oh who am I kidding my recesses are as deep as my baby's) I can't shake the curiosity of the sex of Baby Cohen. What are we going to have? We both want a boy. A lot. What if it's a girl? I do not see us having another kid or trying for a boy, although Tanisha has denied my request to have a vasectomy as soon as our child is born. I don't see why not. We'll be in the hospital already anyway. Maybe they'll give us a two-for-one discount. But I digress. I am glad we are playing music for Little Cohen. It makes me happy in my mind anyway, even if it doesn't really affect the baby in real life. I wonder if that would work for my wife too? New strategy: every time I see that look in her eyes or hear that oh so special edge in her tone, I'm breaking out the Ipod, now freshly stocked with Mozart's finest masterpieces. One moment her EPP is humming and she's about to go over the edge, the next moment she's lying in bed with a peaceful smile on her face.
  Quick story about classical music. Tanisha has a radio program on her phone where you put the name of a song or artist in, then it creates a playlist based off that song or artist. It starts out with songs very similar to the first one you searched for, but ever so slowly but surely it gets farther and farther away from the original query. Sunday night Tanisha started out with a nice array of Bach, Chopin and the like. I left her to go do some laundry and when I come back she's fast asleep with the radio still playing. And what's on? None other than the John Williams classic theme to the movie Superman! My baby is going to be cultured AND have x-ray vision. I guess he doesn't need to see out of Tanisha's eyes, he can just look through her stomach!

Week 11!

(Week 11, day 1)
  Only one week left in the hardest trimester of my life! The big thing looming over us right now is, what if the nausea, headaches, sickness DOESN'T go away after week 12. I have had 2 people tell me that as soon as the second trimester started, bam everything stopped immediately. Will that happen to Tanisha? Or will Baby Cohen continue on this rampage, terrorizing mommy and daddy for 12 more weeks? OH THE HUMANITY!

Complex

(Week 10 day 7)
  There are a lot of difficult things in my life right now. It's hard for me to get up at 4:20 a.m. every morning. Sometimes it's difficult for me to concentrate enough to write one of these blogs. It's certainly hard for me to remember what makes my wife angry from moment to moment. However, there is one thing that trumps them all. It is damn near impossible for me to keep Tanisha's surroundings smelling good enough to not make her sick. And the hardest thing of them all? My breath. She was already sensitive before with smells and me brushing my teeth after eating. Now with her EPP (Extra Pregnancy Perception) she can smell it coming in the door. I swear I now have a complex about my breath. I find myself talking to her with my face pointed in a slightly different direction so my breath doesn't go straight to her face. I brush my teeth 5 times a day (which is still usually not enough). And to top it off she's sensitive to certain kinds of toothpaste AND to Listerine. I even have noticed sometimes when I'm especially unsure of my mouth odor I talk and suck in air at the same time to possibly prevent a foul-smelling draft to waft in her direction. And in case you're wondering, yes this is possible to do because I've done it.

Baby Cohen

(Week 10 day 4)
  I want to start this one out by telling a story about my daughter. For the record, I think my daughter is going to be the best big sister since Rachel Cohen beat up Theloneus Hobdy because he was picking on me. Staci is a very intelligent, enthusiastic and creative girl. She is very excited about having a baby brother/sister to take care of and play with. Being 9, she is naturally curious about how things work, and since the subject of the day is mommy's belly she is asking a lot of questions about Baby Cohen. Recently she asked, "Mommy, can the baby see things through your eyes?" I think that was the greatest baby question EVER.
  So this week I'm dealing with really getting used to the reality of my wife being pregnant. Not the idea of a baby, or the warm fuzzy I get when I think that she's got a bun in the oven, but the actual reality that she is now more delicate, her body is going through things I can not POSSIBLY imagine, and after all this, I'm going to have an extra person to take care of. This is not something I take lightly, but it's slowly sinking in that this is real. Especially when my wife looks at me with pain or fear in her eyes because she's not feeling well. I just want time to enjoy this experience but in this trimester I have to enjoy taking care of my wife as best I can.
  I make it a point to talk to my child every day. I know people say they can't hear or understand yet, but since in week 10 the baby is officially a "fetus" I know Baby Cohen has ears so to me this means I am heard. Who knew fetus was a separate designation? I always figured it was a fetus the whole time but I'm learning that of the many subjects I do know about, pregnancy is certainly not one of them. I try to read the Bible as much as possible. I also try to tell Baby Cohen to take it easy on mommy, but so far the stubborn factor my wife and daughter have is carrying over to our newest addition. Hopefully they will grow out of that. Since right now our child will double their size in the next few weeks I think it's entirely possible. When I am able to talk to my child, it is this wonderful feeling. I usually forget my wife is right there and can hear me, I am so focused on her belly and trying to imagine what's going on in there. It's a calming effect on me, if not the baby.
  I'm really over obsessing what sex my child may be, although I find myself always saying "he". I know we'll find out soon enough, I just am very happy to go through each week, paying attention as much as I can to what's going on. This week has been harder because Tanisha has had more back and stomach pain than before. I'm hoping this is a progression from the nausea to this to nothing in the next week or two. We're only a week and a half from the second trimester!

I should have CVS buy sponsorship on this blog

(Retro blog from week 9)
  What's the word of the week? As much as I wish it weren't, the word is miscarriage (no Tanisha did not and will not have one, the baby is absolutely fine). Unfortunately someone she knows did, so now every cramp and ache means Tanisha is online Googleing miscarriage and symptoms of it and likelyhood of it and what it feels like and how to handle it and anything else they have online about it. Quick story about this. Tanisha is having a serious moment. She has stomach and back pains. She's online and looking up sympoms and one of the lines says stomach cramps and back pain. I talk to her about it and make my opinion that we shouldn't be worrying but she should call the doctor on call just to see what they say. Then I begin to walk around the room doing my regular nightly tasks. I let my mind wander a little and before I know it I hear myself mentioning something about our search for a house. All of a sudden I hear, with much distress and anger in her voice, 'I'm over here worrying that I could be having a miscarriage and all you can think about is that FUCKING HOUSE!' Without saying another word, in probably about 2.1 seconds I was in the bed next to her engrossed in the material she was reading while at the same time encouraging her to call the doctor to see what they say. Without apologizing or even acknowledging what just happened I immediately take action. 10 minutes later I'm on my way to CVS (it was constipation by the way) to get Miralax and Benefiber. Smoooooth it over.
  I think my record for CVS trips in a day is 5, but I think on a day where I don't have to go to work I could shatter that record. See there's a CVS right across the street from my complex so it's the easiest and quickest place for me to go when we need to pick up something. My wife is already queen impulse so with the pregnancy overdrive kicked in I'm sure she can come up with enough reasons to send me over there. I don't mind making those trips either (except after about (9:30, then I don't want to leave my house). I enjoy doing things for my wife. Sometimes I wonder what the people behind the counter think on my 3rd trip. Do they think I'm forgetful? Do they think I have a slave-driving wife since they see me buy feminine products a lot? Do they think I'm eccentric? None of it matters, although all of it's true, but these are just thoughts that run through my head as I'm walking through the CVS to pick up toothpaste that doesn't have a funny smell to it.

The cement man

(Retro blog from weeks 8 and 9)
  I briefly mentioned mood swings in my last post. Let me delve into that subject a little bit. Before I get there, I just want to be absolutely clear. My wife is not a ball of anger waiting to pounce on me. For the most part she has been very pleasant and loving, even through her pain and nausea. However, she is prone to lash out every now and then. And unfortunately my uncanny knack for doing things without thinking them through doesn't help. Let me illustrate this for you.
  Tanisha is in bed and she begins to feel heartburn. 'Baby I need some Malox, can you go to the store and get some?' Well at this point in time I just do NOT want to leave my house. Luckily for me, we have a bit of Malox left that I purchased some time ago. What made this not so lucky is that about 10-20 minutes before my wife's request I was cleaning out the refrigerator. While looking through and trying to decide what things to keep and what to throw away, I came across a bottle of Malox that was almost empty. 'This is almost old and there's only a little left. Let me get her some more later and get rid of this one.' What I did not consider was that later would be in 10 minutes. What I also didn't consider is that my wife would inexplicably get out of bed some time within those 10 minutes, go into the kitchen, throw something away, and notice the Malox sitting at the top of the garbage can on top of a pile of paper towels. For my defense (of which I have little) I had just put those paper towels in also and they were only used to wipe up water, and the Malox was still cold. Well I walk into my bedroom with a nice big tablespoon of garbage-Malox ready to ease the burn in Tanisha's chest. The next thing I know I'm literally running out of the house yelling behind me, 'Ok baby!' In order to not come back to a seething wife, there are a few essential things to remember:
1. Don't argue back.
2. Admitting the wrong is of the utmost importance.
3. Don't dwell on the subject. Let her yell, then keep it moving.
4. One word for you: smooth. Smooth it over any way you can. I've become an expert at this and it's made my life better. And safer.

Nausea, paranoia and pickles

(Retro blog from Week 8)
  Let me set the scene. It's evening time. The house is settled down. My teeth are brushed, my sleeping shorts are on, my alarm is set. I've gone to the bathroom that one last time, hoping to prevent that horribly annoying 3 in the morning visit to the toilet that takes 30 seconds but is often just enough to interrupt your sleep and make you more tired the next day. I just slipped into the covers on the most comfortable bed I've ever had the pleasure of sleeping on. I turn to the love of my life and my lips form to say, 'Good night baby. I love you.' When the look on her face stops me in my tracks. It's not a look of pain, or anger, or even fear. No this is a look of apology. What did she do, you ask? Nothing yet. It's what she's going to do. 'Baby, I want chips and French Onion dip. Pleeeease baby.' While the plea at the end is never necessary, my wife always likes to tack it on for good measure. And just like that I'm out of my comfortable bed, into the first pair of jeans and shirt I find, and in a freezing cold car on my way to Marsh.
  I have watched a thousand movies in my life. Several of those have made fun of the cravings pregnant women get. I used to think the writers were talented to make these scenes so funny. Little did I know, they probably have had babies and what you see on the screen is a direct representation of what they have gone through. Yeah, I would have never believed it until I experienced it for myself. I have a cabinet full of pickles. They're so important they have made a cameo on my wife's Facebook page. They have not found their way into a bowl of peanut butter or ice cream (yet), but the pickles are running the show right now. Truth is truly stranger than fiction.
  The thing about the pickles though, the most important thing, is that they help my wife with her extreme nausea she feels all day every day. And the only relief she can get is very temporary. She has developed intricate tactics and strategies to keep herself from throwing up. She has developed her instincts to go against the urge to let it go and you'll feel better after. Of course, most of those tactics and strategies take place while lying in the bed, but they are effective strategies nonetheless. But every now and then there's nothing she can do except make a trip to bathroom. As a person who loves to do things for others, who for some reason always has an urge to help, it KILLS me that I can only sit back and watch my wife suffer. I hate it. I know it's normal and natural, but it gets me every time. I have to constantly tell myself not to keep asking 'What's wrong? Are you ok?' Baby moods are different than other moods. They are liable to snap at any moment so there's no reason to urge them on. I'll talk about this subject later...
  On the same theme as that but a different subject, one thing I have noticed is that things are amplified when a woman is pregnant. For example, Tanisha and I are a bit on the paranoid side. Now? Every sneeze and I'm thinking 'Should we call the doctor? Is that normal? That sneeze sounded really violent. Doesn't she have to tense her stomach when she sneezes? Does tensing your stomach hurt the baby? Maybe we should just go ahead and go to the hospital.' Tanisha has her own share of fear too. However, her biggest concern is not her health, although she does pay close attention to that subject. No the thing I hear about the most is twins. And it doesn't help that every freakin' body likes to make jokes or comments about twins. All of a sudden everyone is Nostradamus. 'You're going to have twins, I have a feeling about it.' 'Do you have twins in your family? You just look like you're going to have twins.' Needless to say Tanisha has been to every Web site to research everything she can about a twins pregnancy. All I have to say about it is: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cloud 9 made out of silver

(Retro blog from week 7, days 4-7)
  For the next few days after our trip to the hospital, I could not keep a smile off of my face even when I tried. I think I told all 280 people who work in my department, or at least the 150 people I told let the remaining 130 people know. That's in addition to the 50 or more people who watched The Greatest Reveal Ever video on Facebook. Needless to say I got a lot of attention. I don't know if it was my excitement and enthusiasm, but everyone I talked to seemed excited. Or maybe I was just projecting my excitement onto other people. Either way I floated around for this entire week. Unfortunately while I was floating, my wife was grounded. She was so sick, and I couldn't do a thing about it. Well except get her anti-nausea medicine, make sandwiches, get ice water, hold her hair while she vomited, make 5 trips to CVS a day...
  I was mostly stuck this week between elation and disbelief. You know how sometimes something is happening in your life and it's so monumental that you feel like the entire world should just stop and acknowledge it? No? Ok maybe it's just me, but that's how I felt at times this week. Like I wanted everybody to know what was happening, to smile with me and to feel my joy. Realistically I just settled for calling everyone and posting it on Facebook, but that made me feel good too. Then every now and then the disbelief would kick in. I already mentioned we were not expecting this at all, so when I got a moment to really let the reality sink it, I was blown away. I don't even think in these blogs I can truly describe how I feel about this. I didn't realize I would feel this way. I didn't think it would be this big for me. I thank God for giving me what I really wanted and didn't even know it. Thank you God.
    This week was also monumental because I made my first trip to an OBGYN. First I want to tell you that our doctor is awesome (thank you Rachie!!!) Tanisha and I are so much more relaxed knowing we have her. SO we go to our first doctor's visit for our baby and I have to bring the camera (footage to come). The office was very nice, everybody there who we interacted with was kind. We talked to somebody first (I forget her title) and discussed Tanisha and her family's medical history, genetic disorders, medicine, diet and exercise. It was an interesting and paranoia-inducing conversation. They try to sell you these genetic disorder test without trying to sell you, if you know what I mean. Tanisha was more concerned about it that I was on the surface, but I'll admit I had some fear also. While the possibility is small, so were the chances of having a child with PFFD and even though we don't really want to talk about it, we're both thinking about it. That decision hasn't been made yet and we will be talking to a geneticist sometime soon. I have confidence we will have a healthy child, but you can't help having a little doubt creep in. Joy an worry. That about sums up pre-parenthood.

The miracle is real

(Retro blog from week 7, day 3)
  The day after we find out Tanisha is pregnant (she found out the morning and they set me up for the reveal that same night) she gets really sick. She's got bad nausea, light-headed, headache, stomach cramps and a couple other symptoms that all point to pregnancy but seemed like it was to the extreme. Usually we're averse to emergency room trips (yeah right) but this time we thought we could make an exception. Getting into a room wasn't hard because she was preggers, but once we got there we experienced a lot of waiting. Well this isn't usually a problem because Tanisha can sleep and I can watch TV. BUT since she had a headache I had to keep the TV low, and since she was nauseous she couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep, and since the nurses kept coming in juuuust enough to keep her from falling into a real sleep it was rough going. Then the worst part of all: finding a vein. I have been with Tanisha to the hospital more times than I'd like for different conditions in different hospitals in different places, but the one consistent thing in all of them is that the nurses can NEVER find Tanisha's vein for an IV on the first try. Never.
  8 pokes later (no really, 8) and my wife is properly medicated and hydrated. Now I'm trying to describe all of this as it happened and as I was feeling at the time. I am NOT complaining about the experience. This was one of the greatest hospital visits I've had so far and I'll tell you why. Half way through our visit the ultrasound technician came in. We navigated our way around the hospital (not the best of hospital bed drivers, this one) and got to the ultrasound room. She checked to make sure everything was ok and Tanisha's uterus is healthy. THEN, as I'm watching the screen, I see a small mass curled up in the corner of the womb. Such a tiny, delicate looking thing I could hardly believe my eyes. Right there. Wow. It's my baby. There's my baby, alive and real. The tech shows us the heartbeat and I melt. My wife cried. I didn't but that's probably only because I was in complete awe. It was so small. It was so very small. Just a tiny dot on the screen pumping a mile a minute (146 bpm to be exact). It was at that point that I fell in love with my child. I was at that moment exhilarated, nervous, joyful and totally committed to the life forming in my wife's stomach.
  This was also the day we found out her due date and how far along she was. 7 weeks, 3 days. Due date Sept. 29, 2010.

The Greatest Reveal Ever

(Retro blog from week 7, day 2)
  Hopefully I will be able to figure out how to post the video that goes with this week, but I can't guarantee anything. For someone who helps people fix their computers for a living (and is way too critical of people who don't know what they're doing) I myself can be slow sometimes when it comes to technology.
  Let me set the stage. I trust my wife. I also on most occasions defer to her preferences. So when she tells me something is going to happen on any given night, I just go with it. Friday February 12, 2010. Not even a week after my birthday where Tanisha throws me a huge birthday/Super Bowl party, she tells me we're going to have a family night. Well actually at first she tells me her sister wants to do something special for the men so we're going over her house. Then because she's been sick (yes she was sick, throwing up all week, but did I suspect pregnancy? Technology isn't the only area I'm slow in sometimes) she tells me we're staying home and everyone is coming over. Then a few hours later she sends me a text that my mom is coming to see Staci. I'm still not considering that ANYTHING is going on except exactly what Tanisha is telling me is going on. Call me Alicia Silverstone because I'm Clueless. (Wow did I just date myself?) When I get home she has me order pizza for everyone. Who's coming? Sister and family, brother and family, dad, mother-in-law, mother and MY mother (that's 3 mothers if you're counting). And STILL no suspicion arises. Finally everyone gets there and Tanisha's sister Shanda tells me we're going to play Taboo. I don't want to play Taboo, but I put on probably one of the fakest smiles to ever cross my face and say 'ok'.
  Shanda takes out a bag and announces we're going to play by some slightly different rules. She will give hints, but we also have physical clues if we can't guess. Sure whatever, just get it over with. So we're ready to play, who's first? Surprise me and Tanisha. Staci joins in because like her old man, she's super competitive and wants to play. Shanda starts giving clues and we start guessing. "Man! Me! Joshua!" "Own, got, get, hold! Have!" "Joshua has!" Then she asks if we want a clue. I didn't but I was sensing that's what we were supposed to do so I said sure. Being the kind father I was going to let Staci open it, but apparently I was supposed to open it. So I open it and see a pregnancy test. Oooh, ooh I know this one! "Joshua has a baby!" Alright this was fun after all, I'm ready for the next one. But wait, what's that look on Shanda's face? It's as if she's saying, "Get it? Do you get it?" Now if you watch the video you'll think I stop immediately and realize what I just said, but you can't see Shanda because she's off screen. Without her I would have just asked who's keeping score? But she got the wheels turning and slowly, ever so slowly I felt something sinking into my brain. Open mouthed I look at my wife. My eyes are saying, "really" but my mouth is just wide open. I'm waiting for her confirmation to KNOW that it's real. That this isn't really the game they said it was. I see tears,and that's all the communication I need. I was so overwhelmed I let out the most joyful noise I could think of. Watching the video replay you may think it sounds like a woman screaming, but it was recorded on a cell phone so the audio isn't really reliable and I wouldn't trust that. Whatever it sounded like, what it was, it was pure joy.
  And disbelief. I couldn't believe it. You need to understand not only were we not trying to have a baby at this time, we thought Tanisha couldn't get pregnant. This was, without a doubt, the biggest and best shock of my life. I still grin when I think about it. I made a baby. First coherent thought that I remember going through my brain: "I did it! I'm a man! I made a baby!"

In the beginning... (Weeks 1-6)

(Retro-Blog from the weeks I did not know my wife was pregnant)
  On Jan 2, 2010 my beautiful niece Brielle Madison Wiggins (BMW) was born. Apparently, a short time after that my wife and I had an adult encounter, as married couples are wont to do. Little did we know that fated interaction would change our lives forever. Not knowing my "boys" were swimming up stream I set on a course that was not ideal to the first month of a child's development. I took my wife out several times, "dating" her to keep our relationship fun and fresh (you gotta keep it fresh). I encouraged her to drink on these outings (oops) because well, let's face it drunk women are more fun. Without going into details, I also encouraged her to take toxic medicine to treat several symptoms she was experiencing at the time. To top it off she was working 12 hour days 6 days a week (which had nothing to do with me, but I thought I'd just throw that in for effect). As you may have imagined by now we were completely not expecting this child. I don't want anyone to misunderstand me here, I want to have a child and I wanted to have a child before this. We just didn't think it was possible at the time. Enter God. Miracles do happen my friends. BUT before we found out, we were livin' it up like our marriage depended on it. Tanisha even took a pregnancy test (probably around week 5 or 6) and it was negative! How was I to know, people???
  So to summarize: impregnate wife, take her out and get her drunk, feed her toxic pills and then let her overwork herself. Let me introduce your number one candidate for Father of the Year: Joshua Cohen! Thank you, thank you. Please no picture, no autographs please. My book comes out later this year, pre-order it on Amazon.com.
  This is just the first post of hopefully many where I keep track of myself and my family's experience throughout this pregnancy. I ask you to bear with me because I don't even know exactly how this is going to go. My voice and style may change some until I find exactly how I want to portray my thoughts, but as best I can I will keep it entertaining and above all honest. I hope anyone reading this will enjoy reading my experiences as much as I enjoy going through them.