Of all the things that are going on with my son (he's in the NICU, his lungs aren't fully developed, he can't always digest food, he's on a ventilator) it seems the most hot topic of discussion as family is gathered around his incubator is what color he will be. Personally I don't think he'll be dark but I think he won't be white either. I'm going with a medium brown color. According to some he is starting to resemble me. I'm not so sure about that but what I do know is he has mannerisms like I do already. One of my favorite things is when he rests his arm over his head. Not only do I do that, but my father does it also. Apparently this is a trait we're passing on. He also sleeps with his mouth open. I sleep with my mouth open. My wife thinks this is the most hilarious thing. I admit it feels so good to look at a little version of me. I smile when I think of him being his own person, but still doing some of the things I do.
Unfortunately it's not all smiles. I have to apologize here to anyone who reads this blog that I have not been writing for the past 2 weeks. I know I've been here before, but this time it feels a lot different. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. It's hard to talk about let alone write about. I want to thank my step mother for inspiring me to write today. She is a writer and has written a blog following a difficult experience she went through. I was reading an article she wrote and in it she talked about being painfully honest in your writing. While I haven't lied about anything I have put in here since writing, I have not always told the entire story. I've held back some thoughts for many reasons, but recently I've held back a lot because I don't want to stress out my wife any more than she already is. The truth is I'm scared. I'm moody often because I can crack a joke or talk to someone but my thoughts always quickly come back to my son. I don't want to see him in the NICU. I want him home with me. When I go to bed in order to calm myself down I close my eyes and imagine he's lying next to me. I see him looking at me and smiling. I'm able to hold him. Last night I dreamed that he was talking to me. He asked me what he was going to be like when he grew up. I told him how strong he would be. I told him he would be intelligent and good looking. I told him he'd be a great baseball player and he would be big. I woke up crying. Right now of course he can't talk to me, and I only get to talk to him through plastic covering. I want to cry a lot but usually I don't. I don't want Tanisha to think I'm scared or that I don't have full confidence that Aiden will be anything but healthy and strong when he leaves the hospital. I do believe that with certainty, but sometimes I still just want to cry. I want to let out all of the emotions from the past month. It seems like we've been through so much that we're at the end of a long trial, but in actuality it's just the beginning. This doesn't discourage me, it just feels weird that this is actually happening. It seems almost like I'm playing a role in a play of a man who is going through this situation, but then there are times when it truly hits me that this is my life, not someone else's.
I get tired. Mostly from lack of sleep but also from having to answer the same questions all day every day. I get asked, emailed, texted and Facebooked all day the same exact questions. "How's your baby doing? How's your wife?" Yesterday 2 people at work I don't even know asked me and today someone who I had no idea knew what was going on asked me. It's starting to drive me crazy. What do they expect? Do they want me to say everything is great? Do they expect me to actually tell them everything that's going on? I've come up with a standard answer but I don't like it because it doesn't really do my son justice, but it gets me out of the conversation which right now I need that more. I'm so appreciative that people are concerned, and believe me everyone who asks is genuinely concerned. I love that because you can see they care. I'm just tired of the same thing over and over. I guess I'm ungrateful, but I don't feel ungrateful. I feel annoyed. And sad. I love my son.
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Hi Josh,
ReplyDeleteIt is so natural to be frustrated when people ask how he's doing, or how you're doing. They should be required to tell you how much of an answer they want. I found it interesting that the doc and nurse practitioner both said the same thing today: Hang in there. That's what my surgeon always says. It's so rote but it does seem to be the best advice there is.