Happy feet

(Week 22, Day 6)
  I FELT HIM KICK!!! Yes, I cried. I cried when I felt him kick. It was a very very big moment for me and it reminded me that with all that's going on out here, he's not aware of any of it and is doing great. Aiden's not touched by this, he's just growing and developing like he's supposed to. Here's how it happened. Tanisha felt him kick and called me to the bed. He stopped, but she put my hand on her belly. I started talking to him. "Hey son it's daddy. Come on and give me a kick." Nothing. "Come on Aiden, kick for daddy. Show me those happy..." and there it was! Just like a little punch on my palm. I don't even know how to describe the feeling. Warm, elation, relief, joy. Pick any or all of those words and I think it'll work. I love it. I can't imagine getting tired of it. Well, not until I get to hold him. I picture it sometimes and it makes me smile. I can imagine him in my arms. I can feel him. I see him kicking and swinging his arms. I hear him gurgling, giggling, cooing, crying. I see it so clear. I'm looking forward to it, but I can wait. I said before I was in no hurry for him to come, now more than ever.
 It's amazing not only how different I view this pregnancy now, but how differently I'm looking at life in general. Sometimes I try to think about life in a different way, but I've found that often it takes a huge event like this for us to really put things in a different perspective. What you think are priorities one day can be completely different the next day. I just canceled my TV and internet to cut down on bills. Last week I would have told you that was a necessity in my life. Now I could care less what comes on HGTV. I obviously still need the internet for the blog, but I have it at the hospital, and I could always go somewhere like the library or something to log on if I had to. I'll be completely honest, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. It's just that my days consist of a lot less than they used to, which leaves a lot more time for thinkin'.
  My daughter has kept it together better than anyone. The other day Tanisha's sister was explaining to Staci about what's going on with Aiden. She told her he needed to develop lungs before he came out. Staci didn't seem too worried about it. She said, "So, if he doesn't have lungs, he can't breath right?" Shanda said, "Yes." Then Staci countered with, "Well I'm not worried about it, because all God has to do is say 'Lungs' and Aiden will have lungs. I mean, that's what God does, right? He just says things and they can happen."
  One last thing, I'm still doing weird stuff. For the life of me I could not remember the last 4 digits of my social to verify an account of mine. Not the first 8, just the last 4. Then when I was at a store purchasing something the lady told me to type in my Debit Card pin and instead of putting it in the machine I told it to her. Out loud.

Slappin' da bass

(Week 22, day 5)
  I'm losing my mind. It's not bad. I can still function and interact with people and life. Wow I don't even think that sentence made complete sense. You see what I mean? Let me be a little more specific. I'm not sleeping as much as I'm used to. And I've got some stress as you can imagine. So usually I can cope with all of that just fine, but it manifests itself every now and then in strange ways. For example, I went to get some food today. I was waiting for them to complete my order so my mind started to wander. I'm thinking about Tanisha and Aiden and all the people who have been visiting and calling. I wasn't really dwelling on anything, this stuff was just passing through my head so I wasn't really focused. I've talked to so many people, I'm almost programed to thank them for calling and whatnot, so when the lady gave me the food I thanked her for her support and her prayer. I almost told her I loved her! What in the world?!?! I've said that to the last 50 people I've talked to and it's almost like habit now. So yeah that was strange, not to mention awkward. I snapped out of it quickly, but that's the kind of strange tangent my mind is now capable of going. I usually have a lot of control, so as I said before I'm losing it. I need some sleep.
  On the bright side the hotel we're staying in is really nice. I mean hospital. I've made a decision not to edit this blog so you can see how my brain is working (or not) right now. The HOSPITAL is wonderful. Everybody who comes to visit, before they even say hi to Tanisha they say, "Wow this hospital is beautiful!" or something similar. It's like a resort, really. They have valet parking for goodness sake. Free valet parking. There's a place in the back of the room where they section it off. There's another TV there, a DVD player, microwave and fridge. It's a man cave. Well right now ours is a mom cave because Tanisha's mom is staying here too. But the point is it's really nice. We're so glad we're here. I keep talking about how nice the nurses are but I can't say it enough. We've had 13 different nurses and 6 doctors come in since we've been here and every single one of them has been nice. There's ALWAYS a jerky nurse every time I've been to a hospital. Always. Not here.
  Another story about my brain. With apologies to my wife, I'm sure you all understand that being on bed rest means she can't get out of the bed. The doctors have allowed her to get up for #2, but for #1 she uses a bed pan. She has to keep her bladder as empty as possible because if it's full it puts pressure on her uterus and we can't have that. BUT she also has to hydrate, so as you can imagine she has to go a lot. Well me and her mom usually help her with that, so I'm seeing her use the bedpan literally 20 or so times a day. SO when it's time for me to go, I kind of pace around for a minute. I mean, I know I'm supposed to go to the bathroom, but something doesn't feel right about getting up and going. Then I realize I'm not on bed rest and I don't need or want a bed pan. Hmmm, maybe I'm not losing my mind. Maybe it's gone already. Someone call me and let me know if I actually wrote and posted this blog please.

An idea

(Week 22, day 3)
  I have created a new blog. I will not be posting on it, I only put one post on there. I am going to gather prayers for Aiden from 1000 people. I can't imagine God won't move for us if 1000 people pray so I am asking that you not only go and post a prayer, but that you tell each and every person you know and send them the link as well so they can tell their friends and so on until we reach 1000. Here's the link:
http://bigprayerforlittlefire.blogspot.com
  Well I went back to work today. The most gut-wrenching 8 hours of my life. I hated every minute of it. I didn't want to be away from my wife and my son. However, one thing I've learned is that no matter how horrible the situation is that you're going through, regardless of how you feel, life goes on. So back to work I go. Until Aiden is born, anyway. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I could get some consistent sleep, but that ain't happening. Practice for when Aiden comes home I suppose.
  The one thing that hasn't changed is Tanisha is still experiencing pain and it still kills me. She can't get up out of bed unless she's using the restroom so her back starts to hurt. Who knew there was such a thing as too much bedtime? Last night I helped her in the restroom and before she walked out and back to her bed she just laid her head on my chest and held onto me. I wanted to hold her for hours. Instead I gently steered her to the bed, but it absolutely killed me. I love my wife so much and I hate to see her in pain, but the great thing about it is she loves her son so much she's not complaining. She's more than happy to lay in the bed and take what comes because it's what's best for our child.
  I made Tanisha mad today. I fussed at her (gently I swear) about eating and she bit my head off. All I could say was, "Ok, you're absolutely right baby." I guess I can be TOO overprotective sometimes. SOME times. Just ask Staci. But I take my role very seriously so I'm not apologetic about it. Well, unless my wife attacks me. Then I always apologize.

Hospital life

(Week 22, Day 2)
  For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, do you remember when I kept talking about Tanisha's obsession with the due date? I teased her about it, wrote about it several times and pretended like it annoyed me. I even said it wasn't really that important. Boy am I eating my words now. It's so important. Every single day matters. For now we're just relaxing in the hospital. Relaxing is the key for Tanisha. She must relax, stay in bed as much as possible and relax some more. Having contractions could be bad news so the more relaxed she is the better. Did I mention she needs to relax?
  I want to say that I love this hospital, the doctors and every single nurse who has set foot in this room. They are doing everything they know to keep my wife comfortable and, you guessed it, relaxed. It's amazing though how much they know, and how much they don't know. There is so much up in the air right now and as encouraging and informative as everyone has tried to be, it really all boils down to, "We don't know what's going to happen, when it will happen or even why it's happening." This is not because they're not the best at what they do because they are. It just goes to the fact that the human body is such an amazingly complex thing. It may be crazy but them not knowing actually encourages me. It helps remind me that ultimately my faith in Aiden coming into this world and surviving lies in God. I try to picture him. I picture him in the room where the nurses take care of the babies when parents want sleep. I picture holding him. I picture him running around our house. I can see it. It makes me happy and keeps me going every day.
  So here's my life now. I live in a hospital. I sleep on a chair or the most floppy air mattress in history. I wake up when nurses come in, when Tanisha is in pain, when my back is screaming at me, when Tanisha's back is screaming at me, and when I get cold which is often because Tanisha likes sleeping in a freezer. We order the maximum (two entrees per meal) and my wife and I split them. I make sure she's full because Aiden has to eat too. I answer 100 texts and phone calls a day because apparently everybody in the world loves my wife. I'm going to start going back to work tomorrow which will kill me because when left for an hour today my heart was aching. But living in a hospital is more expensive than an apartment so I still need money for the bills, insurances don't pay for everything. I don't watch much TV at all but I watch my wife a LOT. I pray and pray and pray. One thing I don't do is complain. I love being here because it means my son is still safe.

Faith and Prayer

(Week 22, day 1)
  From now on we are keeping track on a daily basis. For those of you who do not already know, Tanisha is already dilated. The sack Aiden is living in has crept out of the cervix and is now semi-exposed. It could stay like it is for weeks, even months. It could break. It could creep back into the womb and the cervix could close. There are so many situations and possibilities we are not going to stress over what could happen. We are now praying for what we want to happen. Since Aiden's lungs are probably not developed at this stage, we need a few more weeks. We want him to stay put, and the water to hold fast for as long as possible. The target date for the absolute earliest where we'll start feeling a little more comfortable is June 16. That's 25 weeks. But for now, it's one day at a time. Every day gives my son more of a chance. Every day is important. We are in one of the best hospitals we could ask for with the best staff. They are taking such good care of my wife. If anyone on this earth can bring Tanisha and Aiden through this, it's the staff here. We are praying that God will guide them all to do exactly what is needed to protect our son. We believe he will make it out into this world alive and will grow and become strong and healthy. What we're asking is for prayer. If you pray, and really even if you don't pray, do it now. Pray that whenever our son comes out, he is developed enough that the nurses and doctors can keep him alive and allow him to grow up. Pray that when he comes out he has no brain damage, no eye or ear damage, no organ damage, and that he develops fully. I will hopefully be able to keep up with writing, but if not it's because I'm taking care of my family the best way I know how. Thank you all for your support and prayer and hopefully I will be able to continue to post with good news updates.

Panic attack

(Week 21, day 6)
  I was just laying (or maybe sitting) down and relaxing. My mind often wanders when I do that. But on this particular day my mind decided to take a turn I wasn't ready for. I don't know if you've ever been thinking about something, and it turns from a thought into more of a vision. I had a vision. It flashed before me with picture-like clarity. I saw Tanisha going into labor. I saw us going to the hospital, and I saw my wife in the delivery room getting ready to push out a child. Then I stopped seeing. It changed to feeling. I felt this tightness in my chest, this squirming in my gut and this spinning in my head. Then it dawned on me, I was having a panic attack. Up to this point I was not worried at all. I had no problem with the thought of Tanisha giving birth. I was comfortable with the idea of being in the delivery room watching my son being born. But now? I'm not so sure. I've never been a panicky kind of guy, but that vision shook me. I'm having flashbacks now while I'm typing, as a matter of fact. Will I be ready? Will I be able to steer my wife through the labor? I'm going to have to be the one who thinks logically and rationally. Can I do that? I used to be sure, now...not so much. I swear if it's not one thing it's the next. I believe down in my heart that I'll be ok, but it seems like there's going to be doubt until the moment of truth. Then we'll see. Or maybe if I faint I won't see anything.
  Ok really quickly I'll tell this story. I'm sure most of you have been waiting with bated breath for another story of me doing something to invoke the wrath of Tanisha. She's been laying low (on purpose) since "watergate". So this isn't anything big, but worth mentioning. I was driving to work the other day when I got a text. It was not a happy text either. It had attitude. I know, you're saying "You can't tell emotion from a text." Well maybe that's true in most cases, but somehow my wife put a whole lot of it in this text. It must be something that comes with her EPP. Apparently I had left the toilet seat down (not just the one you sit on but the cover also). Twice. What's the big deal, you wonder? Well I'll tell you. When a pregnant woman sits down, the intention is almost always to stay there for at least a little while. She has a purpose, because once she's down it's very difficult to get back up. Add with that the pressure of a now approximately 10-ounce human doing his best "So You Think You Can Dance" impression on her bladder, and using the restroom takes on a whole new meaning. So for me to cause her to have to sit down, get RIGHT back up, then sit again made her, how shall I say this? Pissed. That's how. Very very pissed. I have recently found out there are people reading this who are actually being helped out by my writing (yo Steve!) so I gladly share my stories in hopes that others will not suffer the same self-inflicted mistakes I have. All in a day's work for the Father of the Year.

Like sand through the hourglass

(Week 21, day 1)
  Instead of creating one large post (which people have complained about in the past) I'm going to make today into two more bite-sized readings so you can come back later if you need to.
  The other day my wife admitted to me sometimes she goes through periods of wishing she wasn't pregnant anymore. I laughed because I know she wants this child very much but it's a hard process. I have obviously never experienced this much of a pregnancy before. Even when my sister was pregnant I only saw her occasionally. I think the hardest part (well the second hardest part behind the physical toll it takes on a woman's body) is being patient through the entire 9-month process. Speaking of 9 months I must digress for a moment. Whoever came up with the calculation for pregnancy and said it takes 9 months should be shot. It is a 9 and a half to 10 month process. That's a BIG difference. I imagine it will be even bigger the farther along she gets. I mean really, at the 9 month spot we're going to be looking at more weeks like, "Really? There's more to go? For real?" Anyway back to my point. It's not just a process, it's the process of LIFE. Think about it. It's not a cake that may fall a little flat but still be delicious if you take it out early. We need every day so our baby can develop as much as possible. So you don't want to keep thinking, "Hurry up!" but you can't always help it.
  Going through a pregnancy also makes you conscious of what your life is like at the moment. I mean, if you're busy, tired, stressed, short on time, strapped for money, etc. what's it going to be like when you have a whole other person added to your family? I've been trying to do as much planning (mostly financial) as I can to prepare myself and my family but who even knows. One moment I'm ready for the baby to be here, the next I'm questioning myself and my sanity. Am I really ready? Can I do this? Yes! No! I don't know! This is the neurotic mess I've gotten myself into.